September 26, 2005 11AM Monday, Teddy Bear Shelter I saw my son for the first time today. It was horrible. Francis Caccovale, the visitation supervisor, met me at the shelter. When I saw my son, I ran over to him. He stood there, hunched over, arms hanging at his sides, completely spaced out, as though he had a lobotomy. I kept saying,” Ruffles, it’s Mama.” He was totally gone. I couldn’t reach him. I took him to the back room with Francis, who documented everything. I got out our baby book scrapbook to read to him. He finally became more responsive, but was still very passive. I asked if he was on any medication, and Francis said no. I sat, holding him on the couch, for almost an hour. Francis commented on how well he could read, spell, and count.
She asked if I had ever thought about going into Early Childhood Development for a career. I replied that I was considering that or teaching when Rafe was older. She commented on how good I was with him, and said he needed to go home with me, as there was no abuse or neglect, that was evident by his reactions and by the baby book that I was reading to him It has all of his certificates and activities, and is the same baby book that Corie Adams, the initial investigative caseworker, tried to keep from me at our first interview. I held him the whole time and we sang songs, looked at his baby book, and read books. He was very quiet, but seemed to be content looking at familiar things from home.
It took quite awhile for him to come around. He seemed gone mentally. When he did finally spell a few words, he looked at me as if to say, I am being good now, can I go home. The poor child was in shock. They said he is not eating. In 20 minutes he ate 4 big pieces of my zucchini nut bread, two helpings of yogurt, 3 helpings of pureed fruit, 4 pieces of cheese, and 10 ounces of Ovaltine chocolate milk. He ate as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks, which they said he had not eaten much.
My child was in horrible condition. When we got to the room, I smelled limburger cheese; it was my son. He stunk so badly. He was filthy and his mouth smelled like a garbage can. I tried to leave his toothbrush and toothpaste, but they said he shares with other children, so I should not leave them as the other children would use it. I left a clean outfit for them to put on him. It was quite obvious that my son has not had a bath the whole time he has been there. All the other children ran up to me starved for attention, but my son just stood there like a zombie.
Parting time was worse than any hell I could ever imagine. I gave him hugs and said Mama will be back in a week. He did not cry. He simply clenched his eyes so tight he had wrinkles everywhere, clenched his teeth to the point I thought they would break, and turned his head to the side. It looked as if he was in the worst pain imaginable, as if to say, Oh God, No. I felt like dying. I handed him over, went out to the car, and cried for God to help us. It was the worst day of my life.
My son was in shock and then wondered why Mama was leaving again. He looked so bad, worst than any child I have seen starved and neglected in the Save a Child magazines from around the world. This was a nightmare. I want my son to come home. October 3, 2005 11AM, Monday Teddy Bear Shelter I arrived for my visit as scheduled rang the doorbell, and the ladies at the shelter let me in and took me to the back room with Rafe to visit. I began feeding him, and one of the girls came in and asked where Francis was. I said I did not know, weren’t they supervising the visit? They said I would have to leave or they would have to call the police. I started to call Gamila and my attorney, Casey Coughlin, to let someone know what was happening. Again the girl said, please just leave and call from outside so we don’t have to call the police.
I was in shock. I handed Rafe back over. Once again, he shut his eyes, gritted his teeth, and turned his head sideways. He cried silently. This traumatized my son even further. I said they are messing with his head; this is sadistic. The girl at the shelter answered yes they are and shook her head. When I arrived home, my attorney had left a message. She called about my visitation and about the drug tests. Caseworker Corie Adams had entered my id number incorrectly into the drug test system. If you do not drop when scheduled, you are considered positive. When I called and put in my SS# that entire week, it said invalid, so I was unable to test. Corie also left a message that she had been on vacation that week and informed me that she had put in the information wrong and it had been corrected that day.
Luckily, I paid for a comprehensive drug hair test that went back to prior CPS involvement, so I was covered that week. The results were negative, of course. Francis had left a message instructing me to come back down to the shelter for visitation that she had gotten mixed up on the times. I returned immediately to the Teddy Bear Shelter.
1215PM, Same Day When I returned, they took me to the visitation room, and Francis said sit down. I asked where Rafe was. They said he is sleeping and I could not see him now. I said then I need to leave. They said I could not leave, and I insisted that if I was not sure if my son was there, I needed to leave. I started to walk toward the door and they said I am not allowed to go that way, so I asked isn’t this the exit and began to call my attorney. They brought my son out immediately. He was completely unresponsive. They said he was sleeping. I think he was again traumatized, or drugged, as he looked very strange.
It took 20 minutes to get him to come around. I had visitation, but Francis talked the whole way through it and almost ruined the whole visitation. She continually pushed buttons about the domestic violence, and kept my son and me on edge talking about things he should not have heard and did understand. I asked her why she did not show up at court, as promised last Thursday. She said CPS, Corie Adams specifically, would not let her attend the hearing. She insisted that she would be there, as from what she saw, my son needed to come home. She said we had a very tight bond and there was no neglect or abuse, that was obvious. She never showed up to court. Once again my son smelled very badly. He did have on the outfit I brought the previous week, but it was filthy. We had a nice time reading books and playing. I fed him the same amount of food as the first visit, enough for a normal child his age for a week, and he ate it all gladly.
Again, he shut down when it was time to leave. He cried this time. I cannot take much more of this torture that my son is going through. The other children at the shelter ran right up to me for attention. My son acted extremely traumatized and was almost unreachable unlike any of the other children there who were eating and playing as if they never had it so good. My son had a cut lip and had some sort of insect bites all over his body. He looked terrible. He was swirling his tongue around, and when I asked him what that is, he got big eyes and looked over at Francis out of the corner of his eyes. I am concerned about this, as well as the condition of my son.
October 6, 2005 10am, Thursday, Teddy Bear Shelter Patty Palomera, my son’s therapist from The Blake Foundation, called me to ask me if I could take my son some clothes. She informed me that he is not doing well emotionally. I asked her if it was true what the Blake Foundation said in court about my son being unreachable and getting upset screaming for Mama to the point that he upset the other children and they could not calm him down. They strongly suggested that he see me twice a day to calm him, as it was obvious that he needed to see his Mother. She said yes it is true; he really needs me.
I asked why the guardian ad litem assigned to my son’s case said he was eating like a pig right after Blake made their report: She said it is not true. He will not eat, is inconsolable, and is emotionally gone. They are very worried about him. So I took 11 shirts, 5 shorts, 8 pairs of socks, new sneakers, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and other things (see pictures and signed list of items) into the shelter. They refused to sign, so I took them back, and then they signed the paper documenting what I had brought my son. My visit was ok. Francis was not writing anything down as before, and continually talked about negative things, as if she was now on an information gathering adventure for Corey Adams, the caseworker, and was out to ruin the visit.
I asked Rafe what he did today, and he got very big eyes, and looked over at Francis, who was on her cell phone, out of the corner of his eyes. He is afraid of something. I refused to allow her to ruin the visit, and Rafe and I had a nice time. Once again he ate like a pig. His finger nails were long and caked with mud, so I cut them with nail clippers. Once again, he had some sort of insect bites all over his body. I chased him around the room a bit, and he started laughing. The clothing exchange took 20 minutes and almost ruined the visit at the end. He cried when I left. These people are insistent on ruining our visits. My poor son. My heart is bleeding for him. He does not understand why Mama won’t take him out of there.
October 13, 2005 10am to 12pm, Thursday, McDonalds 12th and Valencia, South Tucson They moved my son to a foster home in South Tucson last Friday, so I am hoping that he is better. They said it is a wealthy family and he will get a lot of attention as he is the only child (I later found out this is all untrue). Corie Adams, the caseworker, called me and asked me if I could take in some clothes for Rafe. I asked her what happened to the bags of clothes I took in last week, as it was enough clothing for two weeks. She never answered me as usual. I arrived at my visit, and waited until 1115 am with Francis. The foster mother never showed up with Rafe. Francis told me to wait there until she found him. I refused to wait and told her to call me on the cell phone when she found out where my son was. This is complete insanity and incompetence on their part. No one knew where my son was! It took me an hour to get to the visitation.
I had to go home, another hour drive, and then drive over to meet with my attorney at 1:30. Then I had visitation rescheduled for later that day, another hour of driving to South Tucson. It took all of 8 hours to see my son, and that was because I insisted on it. The visit went ok. As usual, I took many toys. I also took his paints and markers and paper, so we could do some artwork together, as well as play dough. We played and I chased him around the play area. We had a lot of fun. The indoor playground was filthy and smelled like someone had thrown up in it recently. The bathroom was so dirty and smelled so bad that Francis refused to go in it. This is completely unbelievable!
My son has been in the worst neglect situations since CPS took him. This is the type of stuff you read about and cannot believe. My poor baby; he is so well taken care of in his own home that this is a situation he should never have been in. I took in some clothes: two pair of jeans, one nice dress outfit, two new pair of shoes, socks, a sweater, etc. (See pictures and signed list of items). I met the foster mother. She seemed nasty. I said to be careful in the one pair of shoes as he may slip. She said, “I don’t let him jump around. I make him lay on the floor. I don’t allow that.” She seemed very mean. I gave her a dozen potty diapers and she replied that he is not potty trained. I informed her that he was almost potty trained by the first of September. I put my son in the foster mother’s car, gave him a big truck from home, and then hugged and kissed him and said good-bye.
October 18 and 20, 2005, Tuesday and Thursday 9 – 10 AM, McDonalds, South Tucson This week’s visits went by with no problems. We had a wonderful time together. As always, I took many toys and activities, as well as a variety of foods for Rafe. On Thursday the 20th, the foster mother arrived before Francis and brought Rafe in. She told me he is constipated and has not gone to the bathroom for over a week now. She said she gives him raisins, but it does not help. I told her he usually poops twice a day. I tried to help by telling her he does not like raisins, and that she should try to give him blueberries, strawberries, bananas, and apples. She looked at me as though that would cost too much and shrugged her shoulders. I tried to make suggestions for his diet to help her. I also noticed during the past couple of visits that he seemed dehydrated and had an abnormally dry diaper, even after drinking all the liquids I took to the visit for him. I asked her to please make sure he gets plenty of water.
She just looked at me. She also informed me that he is seeing his father for 3 days, and that when she says we are going to see Dad, Rafe says, “No, Mama, Mama” and becomes disappointed that I am not there. Francis said he is not seeing his Father. I found out later that this is also a lie. Francis seems obsessed with my son’s Father, always asking about his money, etc. I walk Rafe out and it seems to help, until I walk away from the car. He makes a bit of a face and turns his head. I was shocked at the condition of the car seat. All the buckles were broken to the point that the straps were just laying over him and it was not attached to the seat properly. I informed Francis that if she put her brakes on at all, my son would get seriously injured. It was merely there for appearances, and was more unsafe than no car seat at all I informed Francis that this is unacceptable, and in violation of car seat laws.
During the visit, my son said “it hurts.” He will not say anymore than that, just looks over at the caseworker and says no more. He has done this every week that I have seen him. He put his finger in his nose. I looked and there was dried blood in his nose. My son does not have allergies, so where did the dried blood come from.
October 25, 2005, Tuesday, 9-10 AM, McDonalds, South Tucson Francis informed me last week that we needed to cancel one visit or change the visitation times this week. I arrived at the McDonalds in South Tucson with lunch and many toys and activities for my son and I to enjoy together. When I saw my son, I was shocked. He had two head injuries, one on each side of his forehead. The one on the right side was older, as it was disappearing, and the one on his left forehead was still black and blue. His left inner eyelid, the tender pink part, was freshly scratched. He also had hay-like scratch marks on his face. In addition to all of this, he had deep cuts on his right shin. I asked Francis what had happened and whether there were any doctor reports. She offered no answer, as usual. I asked my son what happened and he responded “it hurts.” He then took all his Winnie the Pooh characters and dropped them one by one on the floor. (I have video of this.) I said you will hurt them, and he giggled nervously. He said again, “it hurts Mama.” This aggressive behavior is unlike my son. He is trying to act out what happened with his Winnie the Pooh characters. My son also seemed very camera shy, and lay down in a strange position when I got the camera out. I am quite sure he is playing charades. Other than this, we had a wonderful visit, as usual. We are both happy for the time we spend together. Conversation with Emmanuel Vergara, Caseworker, regarding the injuries When I inquired about the injuries to Emmanuel, he replied that the foster dad said he gets mad and bangs his head on the ground. I asked if he was taken to the doctor for the head injuries or the deep cuts n his leg. Emmanuel did not answer. I asked if my son had a bed he was sleeping on. The cuts looked a bit suspicious, unlike scrapes from falling. Again, no answer.
The following day, October 26, 2005, the foster mother arrived before Francis. I asked her about the bruises from the previous day. She answered that he fell off of his bike. This is in conflict with what the foster dad allegedly told the caseworker, that he bangs his head on the ground. I am sure neither of these stories is true. There are too many inconsistencies. My attorney said there is nothing we can do. I am considering calling the abuse hotline number. I expressed my concern to both Emmanuel Vergara as well as Marion Baley, the supervising caseworker. I left many messages on the phone. I have also given pictures to my attorney for the record. October 26, 2005, Wednesday, 8–9 am, McDonalds, South Tucson I arrived at the visit with my usual load of food and activities for my son. The foster mother arrived before Francis. She said, “Oh look, I have to show you what happened. He fell again and hit his head. It covered the one from yesterday. I raised 16 children and they jump. It is normal.” I replied that is strange, that is why you have him. I asked her how it happened and she stated the previous ones happened when he fell off of his bike, and this one he fell off toys and stuff. I thought to myself, stuff? This is inconsistent with what the caseworker, Emmanuel Vergara, told me when he said my son was allegedly banging his head on the floor, according to the foster father. Francis then arrived and she and the foster mother went outside to talk a few minutes. I was instructed to stay inside the McDonalds. I was very concerned about this head injury, as it was a serious bump that it required an MRI, especially since it was the third injury that I saw in 2 days. I asked Francis about it and she said that “Dad had visited on Friday, and now Rafe was getting many bruises.” During the visit, when I discussed the bruises with Francis, she slipped and said, “When he is at my house …I mean at the foster mothers house….” I took note of that comment. I took pictures of the bruises, as always, and I then took copies to my attorney. She was not in. I called more than once that day, and was told there was nothing we could do. I want to know why my son is getting so many head injuries, cuts, etc, and no one is taking him to the doctor. This needs medical attention, at least.
October 26, 2005, 11 AM, Meeting with CPS at East Broadway office At 11 AM I had a meeting at the CPS office at 6840 East Broadway. I met with Emmanuel Vergara, current caseworker, Marion Baley, supervising caseworker, and Rosemary Jackson, newly assigned visitation supervisor. I discussed the enormous amount of head injuries, cuts, and bruises that my son has sustained in the past week. They responded it is normal. I replied that this many injuries is not normal, and only seems to happen when you are involved. I then asked why he isn’t returned to his own home. They informed me that my attorney has to make that motion. They asked me why I took him so often to the doctor. I replied when a child falls or is sick with a fever, you are supposed to take him to the doctor. I demanded, once again, to see doctor reports for these injuries. Again, I received no response to this question. We then discussed my new visitation, which I would be allowed to have at a park, so my son and I could practice our normal routine.
We discussed therapy for domestic violence and parenting at Reflections Clinic. I informed them that I had already participated in both types of counseling here in Tucson. Other than that, nothing was resolved about neither my son’s injuries nor moving him to another home or to his own home. On the evening of October 30th, I called the Tucson Police Department to do an emergency check on my son. They were willing, but were unable to perform the request, as I did not have and address for the foster home that my son is located at. I had a horrible week-end worrying about him.
November 2, 2005, Wednesday, 10am-12pm, Kennedy Park, South Tucson Today I had a wonderful visit with my son under the supervision of Rosemary Jackson. We met at the park, and I took enough toys for a week. I took his scooter, his big truck, art activities, many tractors and trucks, books, enough to fill the vehicle. I was so excited to be able to visit with my son in the park. We had so much fun being outside, as this is our usual routine at home. My son seemed afraid of the playground, as if he was not allowed to play. I had to encourage him to go down the slide and climb up the play apparatus. I found this strange, especially since he has done these things daily since he was only one year old. But, I was so happy to see him and play with him that I didn’t mind. After some encouragement, he joined right in with Mama, as always. More importantly, he did not have any new injuries that I could see, so I was happy about that. His right forehead was black and blue from the head injury last week that needed an MRI, but other than that, he seemed fine. He was happy to be at the park with Mama once again. I guess he is in daycare now, in a private home allegedly, according to Rosemary Jackson, the new visitation supervisor. I am sure he was previously, since the foster mother slipped at McDonalds and said she took him to the babysitter. He looked better, but has no interest at all in books or spelling. He seems more excited to see his toys and play. I guess I shouldn't worry, but I was trying to encourage a boy who would not want to party but would like reading, etc. All his abilities that he learned in his first 3 years with Mama seem a waste now.
It is sad. He probably does not have any toys. I asked where the big truck Mama sent with him. He looked down sadly. The foster parents probably sold it. It is strange that I took a couple of toys and 3 bags of clothing and they are all gone. The goodbyes tear my heart as well as my son’s. He gets this sad look as if he wonders what he did wrong. When she pulled up in the car, he had a huge smile and was kicking excitedly when he saw me. I was crying and said Mama loves you. Lately, he won't look me in eye or sing; he is too interested in playing. I guess in time we will get over that. When he comes home, I want to hold him more than I did before. I said, it’s ok Rafe, Mama loves you, and Mama wants you to come home to Rafe’s house. The supervisor, Rosemary Jackson, told me not to say that as they don't understand and it upsets them as they have no idea of time. I informed her that I want him to understand that he still has a home and that Mama does want him. She said don't say that or you will get corrected. I put my son in her car, hugged him, and walked away.
November 9, 2005, Wednesday, 10AM-12PM, Kennedy Park, South Tucson I had visitation today at Kennedy Park on Mission and Ajo with my son, supervised by Rosemary Jackson. I always arrive early to set up our play area before meeting my son. When they arrived, I saw him through their vehicle window looking all around, knowing Mama is there somewhere waiting for him. It brings tears to my eyes and rips my heart wide open. When I got to the car, he was kicking his legs excited to see me. He practically jumped out of the car seat. We went to the play area, and the first thing I did is feed him, as I know he is not eating very nutritious foods or the foods he is accustomed to eating. He usually eats fast as if he cannot get enough of what Mama offers him to eat. He seemed excited to see his own things that Mama brought to play with. We painted and read books and colored with markers. I also put stickers on his shirt. He politely gave them back to me, sticking them all over me as though they will disappear with him. This was strange. We used ink pads and stamps to make prints on the paper. He has always loved this, as he remembers Mama doing it in his scrapbook/baby book. I brought ink stamps with pictures of all the things he was able to spell at 18months…bird, sun, frog, etc. I made streets in the dirt with a shovel so we could play with all of his trucks and tractors like we do at home. We make buildings out of the dirt and I try to make familiar places, such as Toys R Us, the balloon store, and the like. He always gets a sad, bittersweet look, as if wondering why Mama doesn’t take him there anymore. I took him to the playground to slide and walk across the play bridge as we have done since he was barely walking. He seemed afraid, as though he gets into trouble for it. After a little while, with encouragement, we play together as we always did, with Mama hiding and chasing him around on the activities. I noticed stitches on his right eyebrow. Rosemary, the supervisor, said the other visitation supervisor, Francis, said that it happened at the visit with his Father. She said another little boy and my son collided and he got cut with a small toy car. I also noticed what looked like a healed black and blue fingerprints on the left side of his face and choke marks on the right side of his neck. The vein on the right side of his neck was also a bit puffed up and black and blue. I have never seen so many marks on my son. I tried to touch his neck and he flinched away, and said it hurts. I asked the caseworker and my attorney why there are no doctor reports.
So far in only 3 weeks my son has had 4 injuries to his head (one which should have had an MRI), deep cuts on his leg, choke marks, and marks on his cheek that appear to be fading slap marks, and scratches on his inner eye, along with other scratches.. Usually they say he was at daycare or at visitation with his Father earlier that week. I don’t know what to believe, although I know the sound of his Father’s voice makes him nervous. I question every time why my son is not home with me. They answer he had injuries at home too. Then why isn’t he home! My reply is the same; not this many and not these types of injuries. Either way, this invalidates their claims. There have been too many strange injuries in a short period of time. I suspect the doctor reports would show something, especially by my son’s reactions to my questions about what happened, and that is why he has not visited the doctor. As he was playing with his truck on the curb that goes around the play area, a large Hispanic man walked by with his kid. Three times when my son saw him, he immediately very quickly sat down as if he was going to be punished for not sitting still. Upon observing this behavior the third time, I said Rafe, you don’t have to sit down, and he looked apprehensively at the man. I am sure that someone is making my son fearful of playing. I brought a foil balloon for him on the way, but as the supervisor was talking to me, he let it go, and up in the air it went. So, I took pictures of the injuries without the balloon. Then I got a pump and funny balloons out of my bag of tricks and we played with them. I danced with my son, as I have done since he was born, and sang the songs we have always sung together, the songs he knows as I have sung them to him since before he was born. He held me tightly. We got on the swing, and as usual, as I pushed him, he said Mama swing red one. So I got onto the other swing and swung with him. He seems to be losing interest in his favorite activities.
When no one is close he seems to immediately warm up to his favorite things. He is not the same spirited boy he was only a couple of months ago. He seems shut down, but excited to see Mama, confused and tormented. When it was time to go, I held him tight. He grabbed onto me. As she took him away, he looked at me as though he did something wrong. Why Mama? Don’t you love me? I walked away sobbing. When I tried to tell him, Rafe will be at Rafe’s house soon, Rosemary said, “Don’t tell him that!” I later called my attorney, Casey Coughlin, and she said there is nothing we can do. She suggested I call the hotline and report the abuse. I called today, Wednesday November 9th, 2005 and the man said he would put in for a foster care review. I told him the story and he suggested I also put one in on the previous daycare.
November 9, 2005, Wednesday and November 11, 2005, Friday; Abuse Hotline Reports I called the abuse hotline on November 9th after complaining and taking pictures into my attorney who continually stated that there is nothing that can be done as I can feel that something is wrong. She finally agreed that I should call them, saying there was nothing she could do. CPS informs me that he is home with a nice family, but the visitation supervisors, as well as the foster mother, have told me he is in a private home daycare. I wonder which is true. The gentleman said he would put in a foster care review report. Again, on Friday the 11th I spoke with Barbara Dean at the abuse hotline, who said she would have the night time investigator check into it if at all possible, as they were on a short staff for the holidays. She also informed me that he was taken to the hospital for stitches on November 7th, but no record of doctor visits for the previous 3 head injuries. November 14, 2005 Conversation with Emmanuel Vergara, Regarding Injuries I informed Emmanuel about the choke-like bruises to the right side of his neck, stitches on his eyebrow, and handprint bruises to the left side of his face.
Emmanuel didn’t say anything, as usual, wanting me to talk. Finally he said he falls all the time, like with you. I informed him that he NEVER had 4 head injuries, choke marks, deep cuts on his legs, etc within 3 weeks at my house. I demanded that he check out the foster home to see what was going on. He said he would call them. I advised that it is not a good idea to call making accusations of abuse, because that would only make things worse for my child. He needed to go and visit them to investigate what was going on. I asked what type of bed my son sleeps in. Emmanuel said, “Uh, uh, a bed”. I asked what it looked like, was it a crib with rails, and he was unable to give details. It was more than obvious that he had never seen his bed, if one exists. Finally, he said it was a bed, a normal bed, but “they said he sleeps on the floor.” My son is used to comfort; he would never sleep on the floor. I insisted that he go and do a surprise visit, and that he needed to look into this. As usual, he is doing nothing about it, and has no interest in doing his job. In addition, I asked for doctors reports for all the injuries. He did not answer. To date, I have received none. This concerns me even more, as I suspect there are not reports, because my suspicions of abuse are true.
November 16, 2005, Wednesday, 10AM–12PM, Kennedy Park, South Tucson We met at our usual place, Kennedy Park, with Rafe arriving with the visitation supervisor, Rosemary Jackson at 10 AM. With each visit my son is becoming more distant While he used to cry and look back at me as if to say, Mama don’t you want me to come home, now he seems to have given up hope. Mama must not want him. He shows me his injuries as if to say help me Mama and I smile and hand him back over. If I cry, they will write something down negative, so I fake it. My poor son; he wonders why Mama won’t help him or take him home. They take his hand and lead him away like baggage. It is very sad. He does kick his feet when he sees me, as if hoping this time will be different. He almost seems afraid to show any emotion, especially when others are near. He acts very quiet. I no longer know my own son, no matter what I do, his beautiful spirit is lost. With all the unusual injuries and his behavior, I am more than concerned for his well-being. This is much like his behavior during the last month of daycare when I was considering pulling him out, only more intense. I have expressed my concerns many times to my attorney and the caseworkers as well as to the abuse hotline, but it seems to only get worse for my son with each complaint that I make. As usual, I brought a vehicle full of toys and activities: paints, crayons and markers, dump trucks, tractors, cars, a mini piano, and many of his favorite books.
He seems hyper, going from one to the other. It is as though he hasn’t seen this many toys, if any at all, in quite some time or is very nervous as he had been acting the last month of daycare. I do know that once again my son is trying to tell me something. His favorite activity today was simply having Mama chase him around as he ran with his favorite big dump truck, as if he wanted us to find our own space alone. The first month, he enjoyed reading his books and looking at his photo album and painting, things familiar to him. With each visit, and each fearful look at the supervisor, he slowly has lost interest in his favorite activities or is trying to hide the pain, like a bittersweet memory of times past. This visit he had no interest in any art activities or reading. This hurts me, as I have always encouraged a deep love of reading in my son. He counted to 50 and read simple level 1 books by his 3rd birthday, just two months ago. I was so proud of what we had accomplished together. Now he has lost that ability and has no interest in books at all. I spread his toys in various areas around the park, with the books away from the supervisor. When I get us in our own space, away from her, he seems to want to try to read again. When she came and sat one foot away from us, he shut down. Her excuse was she “wanted to hear what I was saying to him”.
I said we are spelling, see cat, c-a-t. My son seems to be afraid to do the things that he is used to doing, his favorite activities that he and Mama have shared for 3 years, as though he is being punished for his abilities. It is almost as if they are sitting next to us taking notes for the purpose of making sure he is no longer able to do those things, to invalidate both my claims, as well as the Blake Foundations claims, that he really did read books and spell like a 6 year old. Everyone who used to witness his abilities were amazed at how advanced he was, and asked me how I did it. I loved teaching my son through play, encouraging him love the arts, reading, and classical music. We had quite a bond; we were inseparable. Immediately upon arrival, I made sure my son had some of the food I brought, as I can tell from his skin tone and the way he inhaled his food in the past months that he is not getting very nutritional food or being fed the way he is accustomed to. I spend $50 on fresh fruits alone for my son to ensure that he receives the right vitamins, antioxidants, minerals, etc. while providing him with the foods he has grown to love I gave him his fruit mixed with yogurt, as well as some chocolate milk. Then we began to play, with Mama chasing him as he pushed his big dump truck around the park. He is afraid of the slide and the activities that he has always loved at the park. I have to encourage him by saying Mama said it is ok. It is obvious that he is not allowed to play like a normal boy anymore. Around 11:00 AM, I noticed that it hurt him when I picked him up. I didn’t notice the usual head injuries, marks on his neck, or deep cuts on his legs, so I wondered what was hurting him. I noticed that he had 2 shirts on this day, so I lifted the shirts up, with my son gladly assisting me, as if to say look Mama what happened. I was sickened by the large scrapes with a small puncture on the left side of his stomach. I asked what is that, did you fall. He looked out of the corner of his eye at the supervisor and would not talk. She was not very close at the time, but enough for him to see her (about 25 feet away). I asked Rosemary what happened and she said the foster Mother said he fell again at daycare.
He is allegedly in a private home daycare, although I was told by the caseworker Emmanuel Vergara that he is home with the foster parents all day. What is the truth, only they know, since I get a different story from each CPS worker that I ask. I then continued playing with my son, trying to get him to read, but he was more interested in running further away from that area with his truck as Mama chased him. I am sure he is trying to get more time alone with just me. I had to continually point him back closer to the area of our toys and the supervisor, Rosemary. Next we went near the swings, and I took a stick and started writing words in the sand. My son could still spell a few words when no one was close. This is again telling me something. Finally, I took him to his favorite activity at the park, the swing. Since he was 7 months old, we went to the park at least twice a day, and he has always loved the swing and the slides. He swung a few minutes and then said No, as if he is not allowed to swing. I tried to pick him up to swing on Mama’s lap and sing, as we always had, and he threw a fit. He began kicking and screaming. I almost dropped him and had to get quickly off the swing and lay him on the ground as he nearly dove off my lap. This was very strange. My son was terrified of his favorite activity at the park. He yelled, “No, No!” I asked him if he wanted to sit on the swing and he continued to say “No, No”. It hit me what he was trying to say to me, once again, my son was trying to communicate something to me. I asked is the swing like a chair? Do you want to sit in the chair? He became hysterical. I remembered observing the week prior that every time this man at the park walked by my son, he immediately sat down, looking up at the man fearfully, as if someone is forcing him to sit. Now I was wondering if the chair was a means of punishment, because of my son’s intense reactions to the swing being a chair. I ran to get my camera, hoping to get it on tape.
At that point, it was now about 11:20 AM, I wondered why my son had not taken his shoes off at the park, as he has always done since he was not quite 2 years old. He loves running barefoot in the play areas, as do all the children. I asked him if he wanted to take off his shoes, and he yelled, “No. It hurts!” At first I thought he was just being strange, so I tried again. He was hysterical, terrified of something. I knew something was wrong with his feet. I asked if he would like to sit in the chair and take his shoes off, and he became completely hysterical, throwing himself on the ground. This reminded me of how he began acting in the daycare parking lot when I was thinking to remove him around the time of his 3rd birthday, August 24th, of this year. I knew something was wrong. The previous week, Rosemary had made comments about his shoes being off to me. Again I got the camera. My son threw himself around in the dirt for about 5 minutes, until I said no more about the shoes or the chair/swing. I hated to keep on it, but I wanted to know what was wrong. I noticed a blister-like bruise on his one foot, but never got the other shoe off to check it, because he was throwing a fit and the supervisor stopped me and called the caseworker to come to the visit. Another concern I had was that while he was crying “No” and pouting and screaming he said to me twice, it is purple, it hurts as he cupped his hands near his genital area. I decided to get him to go potty. He was nearly potty trained by his birthday. I brought his own potty from home to the park today, hoping I could get him to go. He seems very dehydrated for the past two months, so I always bring water and chocolate Ovaltine milk. He said yes potty. Then I put my hands on his pants to take them off, and again he threw a fit and said it’s purple, it hurts. Rosemary came over and said maybe he does not want to go. I told her he said potty. When she returned to her seat further away, my son took a truck and said Nana, which is what he calls his foster mother. I know he is trying to tell me something, but does not have the words. Someone is hurting him; I am very sure about that. My heart is broken, because my son has been trying to tell me something since his birthday, and at that time, I did not respond. Now I am unable to help him. I can no longer protect my son. No wonder he is losing trust in me. We are inseparable, and my son is wondering why Mama is not taking him home or helping him. At that time Emmanuel Vergara, the caseworker showed up. He was told about the injury, but as usual, did nothing. He did not even look at it. The visitation then ended. They took my son away like baggage, him tagging along with the balloon Mama had bought him, like a lost unwanted puppy. My heart is broken, as I am unable to help my beautiful son. To date there are pictures to back up this documentation. I am sure that will change, and they will not allow me to take more pictures.
November 23, 2005, Wednesday, 10-12 Kennedy Park, South Tucson I arrived at the park with my usual abundance of activities. I baked zucchini- banana-nut bread for Rafe, his favorite treat of Mama’s. I also took yogurt, fruit, oatmeal, grapes, chocolate milk, and bottled water. Rosemary and Emmanuel were both there for the visit today. I noticed some new injuries on Rafe’s abdomen, in the same areas as past injuries, but since Emmanuel was also present and they were not serious, I decided not to get the camera out and start any commotion. He had more large scrapes to his abdomen, center, just above the belly button. The injury on his left abdomen from last week was scabbed over, but still present. He also had small scabs, about the size of mosquito bites on his left neck and jawbone area, but they were not bites, some sort of injury, but I am not sure what. They were scabbed over. I took him from Rosemary’s car over to the play area. I danced with my son and sang him our songs for about 10 minutes. He laid his head on my shoulder, happy to be in Mama’s arms. He was acting normal, for once. He held me tight as if to hope this would all go away, the same thing I was feeling. He seemed more comfortable when I turned in a direction that he could not see the caseworker and supervisor. Then we read books, also able to spell a little more but not like his old self, mostly when I turned us in a direction that he forgot they were there watching. He spelled more words at age 2 than he does now in their custody. This worries me, as it seems like such a waste. I can only hope to get him back soon, so he can read books and do more educational activities that he enjoys. We looked at one of his photo albums; he seemed to enjoy that. Getting into his photo albums was one of his favorite activities at home, and he seemed to enjoy looking through them today. When we read through to the page with his cat’s photos, he lost interest and went to play. This is sad for him, as he misses his home and his pets. We played in the sand, and I chased him around the park with his truck. We also swung on the swings; his fear from the previous week was gone. We went to the playground area. He had a fear of the tunnel slides. I found this strange, because the slides he played on at Oro Valley Park at less than one year of age were tunnel slides, and he still loves them. Usually I chase him up the tunnel slide, but today, he would not go into them. Another thing I noticed was that he didn’t seem to be able to hear well. I snapped my fingers by his head to see if he would turn. I am not sure if he heard the snap, or saw my hand there. I asked if his ears hurt. He did not answer. He gets ear infections when around water and has had tubes in his ears since his first birthday. One behavior was very strange; it was the same as I noticed last week. When I asked if he had to go potty, he said yes, potty. However, as soon as I took a hold of his pants, he cried fearfully, “No, hold it. It hurts. No.”
I suspect sexual abuse. Today, he pooped for the first time and I changed his diaper. The foster Mother told me back in October that he did not poop for 2 weeks. I wonder if someone is trying to force him to potty train (he was mostly trained by September 1st but has regressed) by holding it and not letting him go. He seems afraid to let anyone take off his clothes. Over all, we had a beautiful visit. It was time to go and I put him in Rosemary’s car. The car seat was not in properly, so she tried to help me put it in right. It was not, but better than Francis’ car seat with all the broken buckles. I decided not to make too much of a stink. He must have thought I was getting in too, because he turned his head when I said good-bye. When she turned on the car, I noticed the music was a bit loud, she immediately turned it down, and I wondered about his hearing. I was happy to have my visit today. Rafe acted a bit more like himself. I wish he could come home. I miss him and worry about him every minute of the day.
November 30, 2005, Wednesday After the mediation hearing, Emmanuel told me my visit was changed as the Father would see Rafe. It was rescheduled for Friday December 2 at the Park Mall. December 2, 2005, Friday, 10 AM to 12 PM, Park Mall Play Area I arrived early to set up Rafe’s toys and play area in the food court area. I brought books, a sketcher to draw on, some of Rafe’s Thomas the Train pieces and track, and matchboxes as well as food: tuna and egg salad, yogurt, bananas, pears, chocolate milk, and homemade banana nut bread. Rosemary Jackson, the visitation supervisor, was late with Rafe and I began to worry, so I left messages on both her and Emmanuel Vergara’s, the caseworker, answering machines at work. She arrived at 10:15. Rosemary tried to head toward the play area, but I directed us to the tables I had set up all of his toys. I want to spend time with my son, not watch other children play. There is plenty of time for that. Rafe played with his sketcher and we drew snowmen and trees. He also played with his wooden train set, as well as his matchboxes. Then he found the oversized super ball that we had bought at the zoo. He began throwing it around watching it bounce this way and that. Rosemary informed me that he should not throw it down the aisle as someone may trip over it. I said we were in the mall and no one was really around at this time when he did it. We wanted to play. I tried to get my son to throw it to me and stay closer to the play area I had set up, but the ball was very bouncy so it went this way and that. Finally I had him put it back in the bag. He enjoyed himself while it lasted. Then we went to the play area awhile and he ran around. I lay down next to him on top one of the apparatuses. He seemed to enjoy being next to Mama. After jumping off one of the climbing apparatuses and Mama catching him, we went back over to the tables I had set up with toys. We played awhile longer and Rafe finished eating his lunch.
At this time he was a bit wiggly, so I asked him if he wanted to go potty. I am getting very concerned about him not going t the bathroom as before, but especially about his not wanting to take off his pants. He said potty and we headed toward the bathroom. He seemed anxious to go. When we got inside, this is when my previous suspicions were confirmed. He seemed anxious to go potty, so I tried to pull down his pants. He said no, and threw himself on the floor. Rosemary snapped at me, as usual, that he does not have to go so let him alone. I informed her he does have to go, but is afraid to take off his pants. I shut the door to the stall to give him privacy. He threw himself on the floor. Then he began acting out for Mama what was happening to him. He knelt on his knees in a praying position. He pulled up his shirt and shyly began caressing his legs and tummy. He caressed himself up one leg and down the other, ever so gently. Then his tummy. He then moved to his genital area, and I had had enough. It reminded me of a pose in Playboy magazine. It was obvious that he was being taught this. It was very professional looking. This was appalling. He used to love the camera, but I have noticed that since October, he poses lying down, but shyly, not really acting normal in front of the camera as he used to. This was appalling. It was so obvious to me why my son will not go to the bathroom and does not like to have his pants taken off. This is exactly what I thought the previous month, that my son was being sexually abused. I could not let my emotions show as the caseworkers always twist that you show emotions, so I calmly took him out of the bathroom. He never went potty. Now I remembered the foster Mother saying at McDonalds that he did not poop for over two weeks. I thought it was his diet, but now I am wondering. Just two weeks ago at the park visit, when he threw a fit about the swing and his shoes, he had been saying no it hurts, its purple and cupping his hand at his genital area.
He also said, “No, hold it.” I suspected abuse, but now I am sure that it is more than what I suspected. It is obvious that at some point he was purple down there, as he tried to tell me a few weeks ago. They are making him hold his urine and poop, for some reason. These people need to be arrested. I don’t know what to do for my son. Conversation with Emmanuel Vergara, Friday December 02, 2005 after 4 PM Emmanuel called later and told me that they had moved him to Casas de los Niño’s at the request of placement. So, now they have used my son and do not want him anymore. I wonder if it was the foster parents or the in-home daycare he was at, if it was a daycare at all.
My son seems afraid of Rosemary Jackson, the visitation supervisor. I remember when I put him in the car after our visit at Kennedy Park, and when she started her SUV, the music was very loud. I have warned CPS on a couple of occasions that my son has tubes in his ears due to recurrent ear infections. The ear tubes amplify noise. Is that why he is unable to talk? Are they traumatizing him with loud music? I am wondering if they put him in Casas, or are lying, as they always do. I hope my son is there and is safe. I want him to come home with me. They said he is self-mutilating. I know my son would not do that, they are hurting him. If he is acting out, I can see why. Emmanuel set up my visitation right before the court hearing on Tuesday. He said I will have 2 per week now at Casas de los Niño’s, where they allegedly moved him to on Thursday or Friday (the caseworker said Friday, but the GAL, Margo Donaldson’s, email said Thursday night). I informed him visitation Tuesday morning 830 to 930 AM will not give me time to make it to the hearing at 1015 am in south Tucson Juvenile Court. He said he will talk to Rosemary and call me on Monday. I informed Emmanuel of the suspected sexual abuse, and dictated the story on the phone that I have documented here. He said he needs a neurological. I said he had one. He said “Huh?”, so obviously the doctor lied and did not tell him the neurological showed no abnormalities as far as abuse or CPS failed to disclose the neurological that I had done. This is part of my evidence for my rebuttal. I am sure now they will come up with another excuse to keep him in their custody. Phone call to Casas de los Niño’s,
Sunday December 4th, 2005, late morning I called to check on my son in the late morning, as I did on Friday. They cannot tell me if he is there. I expressed my concerns about sexual abuse as well as physical abuse, and related a bit of the story about how he is allegedly self- mutilating. I informed them that this is incorrect, and related some of the abuse stories I have witnessed to them. The lady suggested that I call the social worker at Casas to tell her this information at 830 AM on Monday when they are open. Her name is Robin Gerard, extension 209. I am worried that my son is not even placed at Casas de los Niño’s, and they are simply setting up visitation there. This will not be the first time they have lied to me. They were unable to confirm that Rafe was there until they got permission from CPS. The foster family allegedly lives at 1551 West Joyce Lou Drive in South Tucson. I was told they live one hour out of Tucson, but when I received the doctor report from November 1st, it has this address. When the alleged foster mother dropped him off at McDonald’s visitation in October, her name is Bertha. Yet when I look up that address on the internet it is Martha, not Bertha. In addition, her car license plate ends in RCL. I saw Francis the visitation supervisor drop my son off at Santa Maria Drive in South Tucson. When I go by that house now, the little red car, license plate 146 (or 126) RCL, is parked in front of 726 West Santa Maria. If that is the foster mother, she lives at 1551 W. Joyce Lou Drive, so is she the babysitter, or is the address false? Either way, something is wrong. I don’t know where my son is and they are lying about his location to doctors, etc. Why is that? -1551 West Joyce Lou Drive shows a William Nogales living there -726 West Santa Maria shows a Martha Ruiz living there. I don’t know who these people really are, but something is wrong. In October, Francis Caccovale, the original visitation supervisor, slipped and said when he comes to my house, I mean the foster house. Due to all of this, it is difficult to tell who is abusing him. This is what my research says the typical scenario is for abuse in state custody. The police cannot even sort it out, due to lack of information. Police Report
December 4th, 2005 After talking briefly with a patrol car on Sunday 12-04-05, he suggested that I contact 911 and they will send an officer who will fill out a report and possibly refer it to the sex crimes unit. I called at 155 PM on Sunday 12-04-05. They informed me an officer would contact me next week at my home number. The report Number for this initial call is #0512040549 December 06, 2005, Tuesday Officer Honk #10688 left a card on my door to call him. I called and he instructed me to call again to get another officer as he was on his way to court. Officer Aycock # 31043 arrived and took a report of the injuries to my son. Report # is 0512060362. He took a history and noted the injuries to my son.
December 6, 2005, Tuesday, 8 – 9 am, Casas de los Niño’s I arrived to visit my son before going to court. He was clean and dressed nicely in jeans and a grey sweatshirt. I noticed that his fingernails had been cut. I was happy to see that he was finally being taken care of; and for the first time since he left in September, he was not being neglected and abused. He seemed a bit confused, probably since he was moved and wanted to see Mama. I was happy to see the play area for visitation. It had toys, books, a changing area, and a fish tank. The only think I noticed was that he was limping badly. They informed me that CPS said he was not up to date on his shots, so they had given him 5 shots. I spoke with Robin Gerard, the social worker on the case at Casas and offered to take them a copy of his immunization record and she agreed that would be helpful. I took the immunization records in on Thursday December 8th. I knew my son was up to date and beyond his shots, so I didn’t want any more unnecessary trauma. In addition, vaccinations have been linked to other problems, such as autism. I am concerned about over vaccination that has occurred due to CPS’s misinformation. All in all we had a nice visit. He seemed better taken care of now, and that was my main concern. They said he did not need a toothbrush, grooming items, or clothes, as they had all he needed. They did say he could use a coat or shoes, and I offered to bring them in. At that point Rosemary Jackson, the visitation supervisor whom my son is afraid of, looked at her with this horrible look, and the aid at Casas said he did not need a coat. It seems Rosemary refuses to allow me help my child, nor give him any items to increase his comfort level. She did the same thing when I first arrived. I was told by both Rosemary Jackson and Emmanuel Vergara that I am not allowed to take anything into Casas. I took food, a pillow, and his favorite stuffed animal, just in case, so they could not later document that Mother did not bring appropriate items needed. When I arrived, the lady said I could take things in but would not get them back as they would get mixed in with other items. She did say I could take in things to visits and then take them with me. Again, Rosemary hissed at her. I could see her jumping around off to the side behind me shaking her head. This woman is the meanest person I ever met. She should not be working with children. I remember when I tried to give my son a Nutragrain bar upon leaving a visit at Kennedy Park (I think it was the second visit at the park), and she replied, “I don’t want crumbs all over my car”. She is very cruel. My son is terrified of her. My son was still afraid to go down the small slide in the visitation area (it was only about 3 feet high). I found this strange, as he has always enjoyed the big slides at the park, as the other children do. He got to the top, but when I tried to coax him to put the tractor down, he hesitated. I asked him to do down the slide, and he sat at the top for quite some time, looking out of the corner of his eye at Rosemary. Then he almost lay down, and in his mind he was remembering something negative. I could see it in his eyes. I told him it was ok now. He did not slide. He also said no when I asked if he wanted to go potty. This is strange as he was all but potty trained when they removed him. I am sure something happened to him in their care when he went to go potty and that they used a chair as punishment as I documented previously. He has acted this out more than once for me. He still seemed distant. His favorite activity today was running from Mama with the fire truck as I chased him with the lawnmower like he used to have at home. He would run into the corner, turn his back on Rosemary, and then I went up and kissed and tickled his neck. He giggled and laughed happily.
December 9, 2205 Friday, 11-12 AM, Casas de los Niño’s I arrived at my visit. I was told I would have a new visitation supervisor from the Beacon Group. Her name was Shirley Schindel. When I arrived, I was surprised to see Rosemary there again. The lady at Casas asked if we should go outside to the play area. Rosemary gave her “the look” and said no, inside. She said to the play area. I had already been waiting for 10 minutes. I went outside to make a phone call to someone for documentation purposes. When I came back in, Rosemary left. After what seemed eternity, they finally brought Rafe. I wonder if he is there, or if Rosemary Jackson or someone else is transporting him to Casas for our visit. I asked if we could sit on the couch next to the play area, so I could read books to him. They agreed. This is how I could tell if he was any better. He was able to spell from memory some of the words he used to spell, and seemed more of his old self. After a while, he told me he wanted to play, so we moved over to the play area. We had a nice visit. He was better able to communicate more like the Rafe I knew and some of his fear was gone. He also went down the slide with no fear. I had to go first. I clapped and told him good boy, its ok. It was now more than obvious to me that he was afraid of Rosemary. With her gone, Rafe acted happy and had no fear. The only thing that was still strange was that he said “NO” and turned his back and walked away when I asked if he would like to go potty. I told him its ok, Rafe. In addition, he raised the sleeve on his shirt as if to tell me to look. I did not want to probe in front of the new supervisor, but now I wish I had looked. Maybe his arm was bruised, especially if he is not actually at Casas as I fear. He may have had more immunizations that are not needed. They have told so many different versions of how he received bruises, when he was moved, and concealed evidence in my favor that I do not believe anything they say. They do not actually let me know his location, and that is suspicious enough. I decided that with everything that has happened to him in CPS custody, and with the way things have gone in court with my attorney’s resistance to do anything; I had better stop hiding my emotions to my son. He thinks Mama does not want him, especially after he showed my all the abuse in their custody and I handed him back over to them with no tears. I held him tight and cried, as did he, and told him it is not Mama, that Mama loves and misses him and wants him to come home. I am sure that will be misconstrued in the notes, but my son has the right to know that Mama is not handing him over to be harmed because she wants to. My son finally showed emotion today. He was talking and seemed happier. That is a good sign. I am very worried that he is not indeed there all day and night, as they say. He asked me for water and chocolate milk, and I am not allowed to take anything for him. That is sad. My son does not understand. Mama has always met his wants and needs. I see him again next Tuesday.
December 13, 2005 Tuesday, 11 – 12 AM, Casas de los Niño’s My visit was supervised with Veronica Fimbres today. She did not show up, so I called Linda Kezman, the supervisor, and it was rescheduled for noon. The visit went ok. We were in the break room, and there were no toys to play with. He did not like being cooped up in a small room. We found a game to play. It was broken, so we made the best of it. At the end I laid him down and said that Rafe will go to Daddy Eric’s house, but Mama loves him. He said no and started crying. It broke my heart. On Friday, Shirley Schindel told me that she had talked to Emmanuel and he was planning on stopping the visits.
December 16, Friday, 11-12 am, Casas de los Niño’s The visit was supervised by Shirley Schindel today. We went into the play area. We had a great visit. I tried to get Rafe to read with Mama, but he wouldn’t sit. Shirley suggested we sit in the reading area with the fish tank as he seemed preoccupied with the toys. She is very nice and seems to have a good understanding of what is going on. That was a good idea. He sat with me awhile. Then he saw the fish tank, and I asked where Dory and Nemo is. He looked sadly off into space, as if to remember watching the movie with Mama while I was scrap booking his baby book at the scrapbook store last year. My poor son; I wish I could make him understand that he is loved and that Mama does want him home. All in all we had a very nice visit, as Shirley is a good supervisor; she does not interfere. At the end I gave him two stuffed animals to take with him to his room. It took me almost the whole hour to get him over the separation anxiety, but at the end I finally got him to let me hold him close. I stood up and sang and danced with him very gently for about 5 or 10 minutes, as it was time to go. He laid his head on my shoulder and relaxed. It was bittersweet. I thought he was sleeping, but the girl at Casas said no, just relaxed against my shoulder. I handed him over, and gave him his stuffed animals, and said it is ok, Mama loves you, and it’s ok. This tore my heart out, as I can only imagine what is going through his mind and heart. My son and I are so close, and he does not understand what he did wrong.
December 20, 2005, Tuesday, 11-12 am, Casas de los Niño’s I had a wonderful visit with my son today. We looked at the decorations on the small Christmas tree in the lunchroom. I read to my son, and held him for most of the time. He seemed relieved and happy to see Mama. I loved holding him; I could feel our bond. We went over to the play area, but there were other visits there making it was hard to chase him around, so we went back to the TV area with the couches. I held him and talked to him, and told him Mama will always love him. I also changed his diaper. I asked if he wanted to go potty, and he whined and said “noooo”. He is still afraid to go potty. So I let it go. He had a scrape under his nose and on his chin. Also he has a black and blue mark on his right eyelid. I don’t know how it happened, but it was not a bad injury. When it was time to go, I held him close and sang our songs to him. He becomes melancholy and quiet. I am sure the songs remind him of home. My poor son wonders why Mama does not take him home. I gave him a small stuffed snowmen ornament that I had bought for our tree this year, as he loved driving around town looking at the snowmen last year. It is Christmas, and my son will look for Mama to open the many presents we used to have under the tree. I am unable to go near Winterhaven, as we went four times last year and walked through as I pointed out all the decorations and the carriages. This year I was planning on taking him on a wagon ride at Winterhaven as I did the first Christmas. He is old enough to enjoy it more now, and my baby is gone. There is a Christmas party this Friday at Casas for the parents and children, but my caseworker will not allow me to go. Rafe seems so much better at Casas which only confirms my suspicions of abuse by either the foster parents or the visitation supervisor, Rosemary Jackson. I held him and sung to him and then said good-bye. He cried. I had to leave quickly, so he would not see me break down.
December 22, 2005, Thursday, 11-12, Casas de los Niño’s I had my visit with Rafe with Shirley from the Beacon Group supervising. I asked her about the visit that Emmanuel tried to cancel last Tuesday with Veronica Fimbres supervising. She said it was not Emmanuel that tried to cancel it, but Rosemary Jackson. She told me it was Emmanuel last week. I took a big bag of presents into Rafe. I took a couple for him, and some others for him to unwrap that were donations for Casas de los Niño’s as he had outgrown the toys. For donation I took his Leap Frog Alphabet caterpillar, his airplane which no longer worked with batteries, two Baby Einstein DVDs so we could later watch them, and a winter coat. For Rafe I took 3 flashcards that I made the night before with 6 pictures of Mama and Rafe, him brushing his teeth or eating, and his birthday pictures. I wanted him to have something to look at to remember and comfort him. I also bought him the James train for his Thomas the Train set. He was happy with that. I also wrapped his Time to Potty book, so he could read that and once again learn to potty. We read it together. I took him his Santa Claus hat that he wears at Christmas. He was happy to see that. I think that he though mama would take him home or be there for Christmas. I also put in a Pooh video and he laughed and watched it with me. He really enjoyed opening his presents. We had a nice visit. Then it was time to go. They said they would put the large snowman that came on the gift bag on the Christmas tree. The girls behind the desk at Casas were so busy trying to get the donations from me as their shift was over and take his two presents that it upset Rafe and he started crying. I almost kept the donations. I said now you have upset him. That is the last donation I will take them. I will have to call Robin Gerard to make sure he gets the two things I took him, as it got all mixed up at the end. I hugged him and said its ok Rafe, here is your train James. Go and eat and brush your teeth. My son will not be with me on Christmas to go see lights, unwrap presents, and sing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus.
December 27, 2005, Tuesday, 11-12, Casas de los Niño’s They brought Rafe in from another door facing the front entrance today. They said he was eating. The dining room was to the left, so I don’t know where he was. The visitation supervisor from Beacon Group, Veronica Fimbres was 15 minutes late again. I paged her and called her supervisor. I wonder if Rafe is even at Casas sometimes. I bought Rafe some new shoes, two sizes to try on. He has some very old sneakers on that looked too small. I had a feeling that his feet had grown since he left, and sure enough the size 9 he had on were too small, so I gave him a new pair of size 9 ½ sneakers. I wrote Mama loves Rafe on the sneakers. We had a nice visit. I put in the Frosty the Snowman video since I was unable to watch it with him on Christmas or take him to see all the snowman decorations around Tucson this year. He enjoyed that. We spent some time opening the shoes I brought and then trying them on. I took him to the potty, and he went, so I gave him stickers that I had brought. I was happy to see he was no longer afraid to sit or have his diaper off. He seems better. The lady at Casas said he went poo a couple of times too. I think that when I brought his potty book in last week, it took away the fear. I also know that someone was hurting him during the period at the foster home when we visited at the park. He is much better now. When it was time to go, I held him and sang to him. Again, he relaxed on my shoulder. He looked sad when they led him away like a lost puppy. I said Mama loves you, eat and brush your teeth. I will be back in a couple of days.
December 30, 2005, Friday, 11-12am, Casas de los Niño’s My visit was with Shirley Schindel from the Beacon Group, as is usual on Fridays. We were both on time, but they did not bring out Rafe until 11:15. Shirley was a bit worried, as she was unable to stay late today, so my visit would be cut short. When they brought him out, he appeared sound asleep on the lady’s shoulder. She said he had an ear infection and the flu. We discussed that a short while, and then Shirley and I took Rafe to the sofas to sit. It was nice, as I was able to hold him the whole visit since he was sick. I read to him, held him, kissed his head, and sang our lullabies. I also fed him the bottled water that I had brought, since he needed liquids to combat the sickness. He was very warm, as they said. I simply held him, consoled him, and rubbed his head for most of the visit in between reading to him a bit. I also took 3 of his Thomas the Trains from home to hold. I tried to take off his shoes that I bought him on Tuesday. He whined fearfully as he did in the park. I wondered if Rafe was back at the foster home. He had on two shirts, and since he was running a good fever, I tried to take off the heavier one. He whined, as if insecure of losing his shirt and shoes. I tried to reassure him that he was safe here at Casas, but he continued to whine, almost sobbing, until I put his shoes back on. I asked him where is Rafe’s bed, where does Rafe sleep, and he got big fearful eyes as he did in the park. It was strange. Was he simply remembering, or is he at the foster home in South Tucson again? Toward the end of the visit, around 11:45, I noticed that his jeans were soaked from the top down past the knees. This poor child must have had on the same diaper for a whole day. The diaper was soaked, as though he had peed in it 6 or 7 times. I took him to the changing area and put on a new diaper and gave a volunteer the pants, but she was unable to get new ones as they were short staffed for the holidays. It was time to leave, so I carried Rafe and his shoes to the front. They thanked me for changing his diaper and said they would find more pants for him. He cried today when I left. He seemed comforted that Mama held him while he was sick. I tried to reassure him that he was safe here and that Mama would be back.
January 03, 2006, Tuesday; 11-12, Casas de los Niño’s Shirley Schindel supervised the visit today as Veronica was sick. We had a great visit. I took his sketcher and books today. I was able to get Rafe to count to 50. I let him tell me the next number before I wrote it down. He also spelled some words while reading. We played with his sticker book which teaches number, letters, etc. He is not as advanced as he was at only 3, but I am sure that if I had him for a month, we could catch up easily. He said play Mama, so we went to the play area to run around. The visit went well.
January 06, 2006, Friday, 11-12, Casas de los Niño’s Shirley supervised today. Rafe was sick again. He had a fever, just as last Friday. He also had on the exact same clothes as last Friday when he was sick. I took off his outer shirt that was very heavy to help bring the fever down. Since he was sick, I kept the visit calm. We played awhile with his sticker book. I took Chocolate Ovaltine Milk and he drank it all as if very hungry. I asked him where he sleeps, and as last Friday, he got a very strange look on his face and would not answer. I tried to get him to potty, and he whined as he did last week. He was afraid of the potty. I checked him and he had diaper rash lotion on. His face was dirty and his hair was sticking up all over. They said he was sick, so why was he dirty? I am suspicious as to where Rafe is. He is not as well dressed and groomed as a couple of weeks ago. Shirley noticed it too. She said they told us that he was going potty last week, pee and poo, and was concerned as I was. She also noticed his unusual behavior when I asked where he slept. I am not sure if it is because he is sick, or if he is in the foster home again. I am especially concerned about his reaction when I asked where he slept. I fed him water and held him. He fell asleep in my arms. I caressed his face and rubbed drops of water on his lips. He is dehydrated. One of the volunteers came by and said he was sick. She said they gave him Tylenol as his fever was 106 this am. I said, 106! He would have seizures! She then corrected herself and said it was around 100. I was concerned as he had bad congestion in his chest, and was coughing. It did not sound good at all. He pointed out a friend that was on his way to the lunchroom. This seemed to make him cheery, so they allowed me to take him into the lunch room today. They gave him his food, and I kissed him good-bye. He seemed disappointed as if he thought I was staying for lunch. I called Casas later and questioned about how to get him a haircut, and informed them I was willing to pay for it as he has not had a hair cut in over 3 months. They said they would put him on the list now that they have my permission.
January 10, 2006, Tuesday, 11-12, Casas de los Niño’s Supervised by Veronica Fimbres. I took a new ball to play catch today. Rafe had a lot of fun, as this was an activity we often enjoyed together at the park. I also took a couple of books as well as his potty book. He enjoyed reading, but at the end of the visit I tried to take him potty. He whined the whole time he was sitting on the potty; he is still afraid to sit with his pants down. This tears me apart. We also read one of his newer books. He was able to once again spell some of the words with a bit of encouragement. He continually gritted his teeth and laughed loudly and nervously, as well as shook his head quickly, making funny noises. I think he is developing severe mental problems from everything he has been through. It is sad that such a beautiful, happy, loving, and intelligent boy could be so traumatized. I am very worried about how he will grow up if I don’t soon get him home to undo some of the insecurity and trauma. We had a very nice visit today.
January 9, 2006, 11:30, Child Find Appointment, 445 East Speedway Rafe was evaluated today by Child Find. Rafe was evaluated today for developmental issues. Everything was fine until they tried to get him to count in Spanish. He seemed to shut down. I told the lady he is Caucasian and does not speak Spanish. Later I spoke with Joanne who wanted more history. She said she knows who Dr. Goodsight is, and elaborated that many of the Mothers have told her about Dr. Goodsight not doing his job and then involving CPS. I walked him outside when it was over. I handed him to Elisa. He thought I was taking him home and almost started to cry. My poor son. Emmanuel scheduled my psychiatric immediately after, so I did not do well. I cried most of it, so I am sure that I failed it.
January 10, 2006 Tuesday, Casas de los Niño’s My visit with Rafe went well today. He seemed a bit warm again. He has been sick for nearly 3 weeks now. I tried to get him to go potty, and once again he was afraid. We read books, and I held him. I miss him so much. I know he is leaving soon. Our bond is very strange, as if he has lost his trust in me, because he knows I won’t take him home, and wonders what he did. So many times I took his pictures in to show him, and he looked at me with anticipation, as if he was a good boy, can I come home now Mama? He has given up. He has been through so much now. My heart is breaking. My poor little angel. He was so gentle and kind. Where is God in all of this? Even if his Father could be a good Father, he will always remember his Mama abandoning him. I wish he was old enough to understand. May God wrap his arms around him and keep him safe.
January 13, 2006, Friday, Casas de los Niño’s Visit cancelled by Emmanuel. He said Rafe had a psychological evaluation set up at the last minute, and that I could not go. When I called Robin Gerard at Casas de los Ninos the following week (January 17, 2006), she said Rafe passed both this exam and the Child Find exam; he had no developmental problems.
January 17, 2006, Tuesday, 11-1 pm, Casas de los Niño’s I had a 2 hour visit to make up for Friday. Veronica supervised the first hour. She was 15 minutes late, as usual. She said she had to drive from her home in Nogales and stop in Green Valley. They told me that they would bring in food for the visit as Rafe would miss his lunch and his nap. When I asked the Casas worker, she said no, he can skip lunch. I asked her about the bump on his right forehead and why his eyes were all red and puffy. She said he cried as they took away his lunch. Then she corrected herself and said the girls could not get to him in time and he threw himself down. I said he needs to eat something. She said he would be ok until dinner. My poor son, no lunch and no nap. I gave him his chocolate milk that I brought. He drank it quickly as if very hungry. When she left, Veronica informed me she was taking in an older foster child, one that would go to school and not be home all day. I said that is nice, why? She said she wanted the money so she could sit home with her baby after it was born. I informed her that the money would barely pay for food and clothes for the child. She said no, they pay more. I don’t want to work and want to sit home, so this will make it so I can. It is just another DES job. How cruel. I tried to ignore it. We looked at his baby book scrapbook with all his memories. He remembered his swim instructor and some of his playmates. I read some of it to him. He enjoyed it, but seemed preoccupied. I feel that it now is too bittersweet for him, as it just teases him. It used to reassure him and make him happy. But now it reminds him of home and he wonders why he can’t go home with Mama.
I took 6 of his Thomas the Trains out of the bag and we began playing on the floor. It was nice. Then Shirley showed up to replace Veronica. I was happy for that. The lady came in with his lunch and took us outside. It was very cold. Rafe ate a bit, but wanted to play with the ball Mama brought, so he ran around with his hotdog. He seemed a bit upset that they moved us, as he was reading with Mama. I commented about a hotdog, beans, and corn. Shirley agreed that it was a strange lunch. Rafe seemed very hungry. One of the Casas workers came out and told Rafe to “dispose of his milk properly”. He did as asked. It seemed cold, as if he were a dog. I said, “Rafe, can you throw this napkin away for Mama? Thank you. Good boy”. He smiled. We went back inside. The moving around from place to place seemed to unnerve him. I tried to play with him a bit. I took him to the potty, but he would not go. I changed his diaper. His legs were very chapped as if he is outside in the cold with out proper layers. He needed lotion. They were overly dry and chapped. I washed his face as it was dirty. He still did not have the haircut they said they scheduled him for 2 weeks ago.
My son is not being taken care of as he was a month ago when he first arrived at Casas. He is dirty, has had diaper rash, has had soaked pants from a diaper that was never changed, has chapped skin, and his hair is a mess, and seems hungry and thirsty. I have noticed this over the past 6 visits. Maybe they are short of workers. A baby was screaming horribly. It upset both of us. He put his head on my stomach and shook and whined. It scared him. I wanted to hold him for awhile and reassure him, but the baby screaming was unnerving. He would not let me hold him. I was afraid this would be the last visit and wanted to hold him tight, so he would remember that Mama loves him. I could not. I took him up to the front and left. The visit was very strange. I no longer knew my little boy that I was so close with. He has lost all faith and trust in Mama for abandoning him, especially after all that he has been through. Shirley said she had to cancel Friday’s visit, but would make it up with a 2 hour visit next Friday. I know he will not be here. He will go with his Father. My son will not see me, and already thinks Mama dumped him and does not want him. I can feel that from him. May God bless him and let him someday know the truth. My heart is broken for what my son is feeling, abandoned and unloved. I wonder if it is even a good idea to go and see him anymore, as it seems only to hurt him more.
This must STOP. Kidnapping our children for federal funds. Children are 11 times more likely to be abused or molested in state custody than at home. 80% of allegations are false yet only 2% of these are returned to their home. These agencies are corrupt, the lie, commit perjury on the stand, and usually have no evidence to back up their case. Foster parents do it only for the money. This is racketeering and kidnapping.
